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Yesterday I spent a good part of my afternoon chatting with a young 19-year-old lady who came home to seek advice from me, but through our long coffee banter I landed up learning more from her. She got me gripped when she said, marriage for me and some of my friends is a “good to have” rather than a “must have”.
From there on, she spoke, and I listened.
She mentioned that today’s youth, Gen Z living in big cities to be more specific, live in a result-oriented environment. In their world, effort is directly proportional to outcome. And when it comes to marriage the expectation isn’t much different. How are responsibilities divided? What one gives v/s what one receives in return. Her exact works were “we won’t patiently wait around for our partners to learn bit by bit. We believe in quick results. Slow burn isn’t something we know or understand.”
She then went on to say “We’re ready to play the game of equals and to play it well. We refuse to teach the rules of the game and wait for the other half to catch up. Who has time to play mom or teacher.” So, she and her likes sum up marriage as a great “good to have” rather than a “must have” as they have enough going for themselves and their expectations from life go way beyond just finding a life partner to settling down with.
Watching the clarity of this young woman and her kin, many women in their 40s who have been patting themselves on their backs for having moved the needle in their favour slowly but surely, today feel a sense of “having settled”. They wonder why they never questioned this lopsided responsibility balance that this younger woman demands. And this woman refuses to buckle under the pressure of being tagged as a generation “not willing to adjust”.
The question to ask is, does an “adjustment” marriage keep the success rate higher?
While this could be true, one could argue that up until now where women molded or adjusted and played the more hardworking partner, it was all good. But today if she wants it all and as effortlessly as the man, the effort required from him, increases. So, all the progressive men out there, the need of the hour is to pull up your socks. You might not be the hunk in town, but if you wear a progressive “I’ll do my fair bit” tag, you’re extremely desirable.
The progressive man is aware of this changing environment and is willing to put in that effort as an equal partner and most often sees merit in it. He finds a woman who can walk beside him, sit next to him in a conference room, and make joint financial decisions for their future, far more attractive than a woman sitting in the wings waiting for the man to take the lead. A happy trend I must say and hopefully one that’s here to stay. The numbers on this thinking might be tiny today, but it creates hope. In a country as big as ours, where change in mindset needs to trickle into the masses for it to really make a difference, let’s hope this tiny start creates a ripple effect.
And now it’s left to the boys to move the needle from “good to have” to “must have”.
So, c’mon gentlemen, Game on!
10th October is World Mental Health Day. My social media is rife with posts, invites and information from brands and random services celebrating this day. From manicures and head massages, to self-help apps and tarot card readers…all promise to better my mental and emotional health. But are these the long-term solutions that will help put the spotlight on real mental health issues? It got me thinking about where we are, as a society with regards to mental health. A week ago, I was at a social gathering. There were a mix of women present – some I’ve known for the better part of my life. We’ve discussed and dissected many layers of our lives with each other over multiple wine and whine sessions. These women are my safe circle – they wear the crown of drinking buddies, bitching partners, fellow mums and unpaid therapists all rolled into one. It wouldn’t be odd for me to share something personal that was worrying me or potentially a threat to my mental health in that circle. In fact, no one so much as raised an eyebrow when in this same social gathering, someone casually mentioned having just come straight from a session with her therapist. This wasn’t someone I knew well at all, but it didn’t stop her from revealing this piece of information. In fact, sharing the fact that she had a therapist came out as casually as sharing a recipe or complaining about an errant child. Today, in the tiny slivers of the highest echelons of society, there is little stigma attached to mental health issues. Women, way more than men seem pretty comfortable about acknowledging the need for external support to sort out the knots in their minds. There is no shame in wanting to live cleaner, happier lives. These knots could come from feeling a general lack of purpose, career issues, wanting a better connection with our spouses or something far more serious. But the fact that there is no judgment in getting help is a huge nudge for people to access tools and ways to simplify their lives. In fact, it’s almost trendy to have your therapist on speed dial. The fact that this is a massive privilege is not lost on any of us. In the same week, my house help - a 23-year-old woman who is pretty much feeding her family as the only sole earning member, collapses under deep mental and emotional pressure. Her parents are forcing her into marriage, worried that she is fast approaching her sell by date. Even though she wields a certain position of power in her family because of their financial dependence on her, she still can’t shake off the pressure that generations before her have succumbed to. Conditioning and society have pretty much negated the concept of free will in her social surroundings. Like her, there are many women with similar feelings of frustration and the need to break out of a dictated future. Unfortunately, there are no therapists to help them, and the thought of following their own path to mental peace is blasphemy to these young girls. So, like many others in her position, she goes along with the plan set out for her, descending deeper into the darkness of emotional turmoil. She comes from a part of India where struggle and strife are synonyms of life itself. This part of India makes up the 99% that did nothing to celebrate ‘Mental Health day’ today. In fact, being mentally tormented is a day to day part of their existence. Conversations about feeling the pressure or feeling ‘compromised’ is something that generations have brushed under a thick carpet of acceptance of one’s fate. So, my suggestion that she talk to her parents about how she feels, elicits little more than a shrug and a helpless smile that makes me feel almost guilty for my position of privilege. Isn’t it ironic that the ones needing help the most aren’t getting any, while the tiny segment of us who have access to help are probably the ones who need it the least? This is not to generalize or negate the issues faced by troubled minds in relatively well-off homes. I understand that wealth has little to do with the intricacies of the mind. But access to help, to sort out these intricacies definitely is a factor at play. I will be the first to admit that it is a gross generalisation to equate the presence of wealth to the absence of mental health issues. We all know that the lives of the rich and famous can be as twisted as the corkscrew that opens their fancy wines. Mental health illnesses follow no logic and can inflict anyone. But circumstances definitely influence the intensity of mental health issues, and financial stress is a very strong depressant. That 1% of our country – all of us who put up posts celebrating Mental Health day, and how far we’ve come, perhaps need to pause a moment. When most of our men and women are stuck in a society that still believes that it is merely ‘part of life’ to feel signs of deep mental and emotional turmoil, then do we, as a nation, have the right to celebrate ‘Mental Health Day’? This isn’t a proclamation of doom and gloom, but simply a wake-up call for all of us. It’s a realisation that our responsibility towards each other doesn’t end at being less judgmental, but to actively bring in as many people into the conversation as we can from those parts of society that don’t yet see this as an issue. Maybe if that 1% took the time to educate, inform and help bring about this change in thinking amongst our closest circles of influence, we could make a tangible wave of difference. If we all do our bit to help break the silence and talk to those who need help the most, we could perhaps shift the needle in favor of a stronger, healthier society at large. And one day, hopefully we can all truly and honestly celebrate a day like today. -An Expression for #SheMatters by Heetal Dattani #SheMatters #NineYardsPerspective #FreshThinking #WomansPerspective #WorldMentalHealthDay
Parenting is not for the weak hearted. It’s a tough game even in a sane world. In a pandemic, it’s a little bit like being on a roller coaster that you were reluctant to step into, but did out of peer pressure and a false sense of adventure. Now you’re sitting buckled into this seat - next to your precious little one, keeping a brave face on so he doesn’t freak out when the damn thing tips. But somewhere in the middle, both of you have dropped all pretence and while you’re hanging upside down, and the world has stopped making sense, you’re screaming your head off – one louder than the other. As traumatic as this experience seems, it does have an end in sight. When we come back to earth, we hold our little ones tighter and reassure ourselves and them that we’re all going to be ok eventually. And we will. The pandemic didn’t come with a handbook on how to manage the whirlwind of experiences and emotions that come with prolonged lockdowns. Not for kids and not for adults either. Most parents find their kids express their restlessness, anxiety, lack of social stimulation and loss of routine in the only way they know how – through tears and tantrums. Juggling work from home, school from home, catering to bottomless snack times , cries of boredom and endless household chores does feel like a vicious cycle. Pretty much every parent right now is burnt out. The day schools and offices open, we will all pop some well-deserved bubbly and retire into fits of gratitude and relief. But for now, we’ve got to come to terms with the fact that these are unprecedented times, and we’re all going through unprecedented emotions. The lockdown is hard for our kids, but it’s equally hard for us parents. We’re the ones that are supposed to be in control, to protect our kids and to provide for them, but the pandemic has brought us all to our knees. And added a generous dose of guilt onto already drooping mommy shoulders. Unfortunately, there is no vaccine against the potent mix of chaos and confusion that my kids feel or the perennial guilt that I feel as a working mum who is juggling way more balls than any circus performer. But it helps to keep reminding myself to not wear the guilt. It doesn’t fit, it never will. Acknowledge yourself for doing all that you do and remember that it is enough. As we go into what looks like another year of restrictions, we need to figure a way out of this doom and gloom. Make our own pockets of safety, optimism and good health. Not just physical health, but mental health too. Global experts say that the Covid 19 crisis is leading our world to a mental health crisis next. Washing hands and sanitising works well to protect us against the virus, but we need tangible steps to protect our mental health too. We need to find our triggers, and identify what helps us feel good and what doesn’t. More open conversations need to happen, more people need to step up and bring mental health out of the shadows. Organizations need to do more to ensure their employees aren’t constantly stressed. Schools need to find a way to alleviate the pressure by formulating more interactive ways to learn online. Here are some things that have helped me create that bubble of protection for myself and my family. It’s a fragile bubble and it’s stronger on some days than others, but just being conscious to shift from anxiety to normalcy is a big step. The first one, and this was the toughest for me – was to drop the pretence that everything is ok. It’s ok to not be ok. And the moment I acknowledged that, I realised how many people are in the exact same space as me. You’re never really alone. Even though this pandemic makes you feel like that. Reach out. Connect and stop trying to do it all by yourself. Take the pressure off deadlines. I realised that there will always be days when I’m not 100% productive. Some days work will take the forefront and some days my family will. Chasing that perfect balance is ridiculous cos I’ve figured that it doesn’t really exist. It’s ok to stop juggling for a bit. Order in. Let the kids have a meal once in a while that is entirely made of fries and ice cream. It is therapeutic. For you too. Trust me, leave the calorie counting for another day. Do silly things. Find your fun. Even if it’s in everyday things like a stolen cookie, a morning you ‘wasted’ watching random videos or learning how to hula hoop with your kids. Find fun ways to burn some of that pent up energy – Dance. Do a bit of yoga or put your earphones on and disappear for a quick run and some ‘me-time’. These spots of unstructured, agenda-less moments will reinforce you for many more productive hours. I have a friend who sends me short videos and messages through the day of small things that bring her joy. A flower that bloomed on her terrace, a dish the family cooked together – seemingly inconsequential things, but it’s a breath of fresh air amongst my feed of death tolls and overwhelmed medical infrastructure. In a world that is obsessed with waking up everyday to check the latest Covid statistics, playing board games and creating art may seem trivial, but these are the things that helped me cling to a sense of normalcy. So turn the news off, stop doom-scrolling and spend some time everyday doing nothing important. Cos that’s important. That’s where you will find your gratitude and joy. Teach your children to be grateful for everything that they have. To value the people who matter to them. The pandemic is taking too many good people away, and it’s never too late to reach out to someone you care for and say that you do. Meditate. But only if that works for you. I go through phases where it calms me down but some days the pressure of finding that silence within defeats the purpose. On those day, I take a deep breath and do the best I can. No pressure. I find that holding my kids tighter and reassuring them that their world will be back to normal, reassures me too. Our kids need us to be the grounding voice that says that it will all be ok. So if you need help to feel grounded yourself, it’s ok to take it. Speak to a friend, take some time off to be by yourself, get professional help if you feel too overwhelmed. It’s all ok. Cos you can’t give what you don’t have. And lastly, know that this will end soon. We will reclaim all this lost time with our loved ones, and more. We’ll have all those adventures we’ve missed, travel to all those places we’ve dreamed of and maybe even venture onto a real roller coaster with our kids again. But remember to hold them tight and know that you’ll both be fine, no matter what. Till then, stay safe and stay sane.